They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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