she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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