Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
