I can text with my tongue
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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