i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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