I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
