I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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