Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
