I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
