Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
