love makes seman taste better
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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