Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
