i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
