I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
