then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
