Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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