I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You are the jesus of drinking
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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