Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
