Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
