Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
