its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My vagina is officially offended.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
