R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
