I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
