He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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