Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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