this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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