Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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