If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
