my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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