There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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