When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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