How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
