Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
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don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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