I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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