I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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