I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
