that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Farmville is her only friend.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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