dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
