if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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