I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
