Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
