I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
