I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
