i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
