if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ambien. No doubt about it.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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