I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
