The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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