The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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