dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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