I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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