she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
