I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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