I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
