dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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