I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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