Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
