How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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