allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
