Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
