i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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